A sultry woman in a red trench coat and hat approaches a fabulous mansion surrounded by armed men. “Halt!” shouts a guard as he raises his rifle. “This meeting is private!”
Undeterred, the woman adjusts her hat. The guard gasps as he recognizes the silent woman staring at him.
Here in the world is she.
“Right this way, madam,” says the visibly shaken guard as his unsteady hand unlocks the mansion’s tall doors. The woman steps inside and slips out of her trench coat to reveal a magnificent crimson ball gown underneath. That is, if only someone could see it. Every single light in the mansion is off, and as she walks through the mansion in total darkness, a voice stops her.
“Where on Earth have you been!” shouts the Shredder from the original run of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Oroku Saki lives!
“I’ve been keeping a low profile,” smirks the woman. “Much like your friend, I imagine.”
“I am no friend of his,” growls The Grinch.
Now that we know we can use this picture anywhere we want, expect some slash-fiction with Star Trek: the original series.
“Haha! I thought you cheered up.” An amused Carmen smiles.
“Quit being so smug!” shouts an unamused Dr. Blight. “I don’t like spending my nights in the dark with these bozos!” A nearby Hoggish Greedly, Sly Sludge, and Verminous Skumm all snicker together.
Still…they look like they’d be fun at parties, right?
“What must we meet in the dark?” asks Zarm.
Yeah….yeah, he looks like a Zarm.
“Oh, pleeeeeeese . . .” chides an usually sinister clown. “Don’t speak that way, Zarmy. You’re hurting poor Dennis!”
Do you have any idea how sinister you have to be to come off as an “unusually sinister” clown?
“Hey!” shouts the villain from SpongeBog SquarePants.
He’s even dressed like a cowboy biker Shadow.
“Oh, quitting playing hard-to-get, Dennis the Menace! Why don’t you take a mudbath in Clayface’s lap to relax.”
“Don’t provoke me, clown,” growls the fellow Batman villain.
Yeh look like a pile o’diarrhea, mate.
“Enough of this banter!” shouts the Shredder while pounding his fist on the table. “Let’s get this over with, woman! Why are we here!”
“Thank you for calling this meeting to order,” says the woman. She helps herself to a champagne glass before closing the doors behind her. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she begins.
“Hey! I’m no lady!” shouts Dennis.
“I disagree,” grins the Joker. “But that’s for another time. Please continue, red menace!”
The woman in red resumes. “As you all know, every single one of you in this room can be counted among the most famous villains in history. Together, you are the greatest assembly of enemies the world has ever known. Do you know why I invited you here in the dark?”
“Hey, this reminds me of a joke! How many homicidal maniacs does it take to turn on a light switch? Just one if it’s the Bat-Signal! Ahhhhh-HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
We’re crossing over from sinister to maniacal here.
The red lady smiles. “You’re more right than you know. I invited you here so I could steal your identities.” The woman flicks her champagne glass two times, activating the Clapper she installed on the premises. Every light in the building turns on as all her adversaries reach for their weapons.
All at once, the true identity of every villain is laid bare. The Shredder becomes Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
RIP James Avery
The Grinch becomes Boris Karloff, that guy who played Frankenstein’s monster.
Lookin’ pretty Grinchy there, Boris.
Dr. Blight, Hoggish Greedly, Sly Sludge, Verminous Skumm, and Zarm from Captain Planet and the Planeteers are exposed as Meg Ryan, Ed Asner, Martin Sheen, Jeff Goldblum, and Sting respectively. And good luck finding a picture of all those folks together.
Dennis from SpongeBob SquarePants is revealed to be Alec Baldwin. Clayface transforms back into Ron Perlman.
Who knew he could smile?
And the Joker? Well, by now it’s not much of a secret that he was really Mark Hamill this whole time.
“My face!” screams the Joker as he grabs a handful of Clayface. “I’m melting! I’m melting! Oh…what a world!”
“Enough Mark,” says Ron.
“Seriously, who are you?” asks the Goldblum.
But then, right on time, a helicopter crashes through the ceiling and descends a ladder for the woman in red. Victorious, the delighted villainess grabs on and is swept into the air, leaving nothing but her red hat behind. With her face finally exposed to the world, every one in attendance gasps.
Meanwhile…
Outside the mansion, the man guarding the front door is still aghast over the woman he locked eyes with only moments ago. “I still don’t believe it,” he whisperers to the guard next to him.
“What?” asks his partner. “That you finally found Carmen Sandiego?”
“No!” says the guard. “That was Academy Award-winning actress Rita Moreno!”
Rita Moreno is a legend, plain and simple. She played Anita in West Side Story, is an EGOT champion (and was the first Hispanic woman to ever win an Oscar!), dated both Elvis & Brando (double high-fives, Ms. Moreno!), played Carmen Sandiego, and helped define an entire generation’s childhood with roles on The Electric Company. Whew! And that’s not even half of it. She got a much-deserved Lifetime Achievement Award from the Screen Actors’ Guild in 2013.
“Who?” asks his partner.
“Rita Moreno! She played the hot Puerto Rican in West Side Story. You know! The one who sings “America’?”
The man shakes his head. “Never heard of her.”
Embarrassed, the defeated guardsman returns to his post. “It’s a good movie,” he sulks.
Jacopo della Quercia is a man of many talents who somehow eluded death in 1438. He can regularly be found at Cracked and on Twitter @Jacopo_della_Q.
If you like Jacopo’s writing, please pick up a copy of his debut novel The Great Abraham Lincoln Pocket Watch Conspiracy! You can also find him on Twitter and tell him how much you enjoyed his article, A Day in the Life of…Australia.
Good morning, Dr. Dowling. From here, things will only get worse.
